These days i prefer to write. I’m finding that no one listens anymore; unless it’s a whisper, but sadly I have no secrets to share these days.
My friends tell me I am an open book, so it’s always a surprise how they often fail to understand me whenever I put them to the test.
My first missed concept. Sharing.
Growing up I felt the key to developing a true bond with someone was open communication – a trade. You show me yours and I’ll show you mine kinda trade.
This came from my openess and want of friendship, I wanted to know people, I wanted to unravel there mystery see who is behind the mask, the make up, who existed between the earphones, who lived beneath the Afro. What’s their story and how exactly could I relate.
So throughout high school I had a lot of friends, who were not really friends but phases. A lot of open chats, yet a lot of unanswered messages. I gained a lot of friends inexchange for my stories. At a certain point my pockets were empty. I had given all I had, my uneventful experiences, to people I barely knew, sometimes gaining nothing in return.
I’ve never known myself to be mysterious. If you knew me you know me. There was never any facade you had to get around, if you paid attention, there is no man hiding behind the curtain, matter of fact there were no curtains in the first place.
These nights I sit and reflect on this misconception that I held so dearly and realize how much it ruined my life.
– half my loves were lost because of this. As I said before people love a mystery, but there was none about me. In the first few weeks of meeting you knew my story. I’d tell them things randomly , in hope for conversation, I’d put my history up for trade in hopes to find some relation. But people weren’t misguided as I was. They knew how to protect themselves. They knew that spilling your beans all at once will eventually lead to starvation. Cause now, now I have nothing. And she, and they, they have everything and all of what they already owned.
“Eventually I was Everyones friend, eventually there was nothing left unsaid, so there was nothing to talk about. Eventually I had less friends.”